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My son kicked my throat during his diaper tantrum, and I let out two banshee-like screams into the cushion.

Today has been a tough day for me as a mother, and I can’t help but feel like the worst mom ever.

I’ve always considered myself a chill person, and that translated into being a chill mom. My two-year-old son has generally been easygoing and doesn’t have many tantrums. But today, everything went wrong, and I lost control.

It started with my son waking up at 5:45 am, two hours earlier than usual. I knew he would be exhausted, but I had to take care of him and also tend to my grandparents who came over for help with my grandpa’s needs (my grandma has severe dementia). After my grandparents left, it was nap time, and I asked my son to change his diaper. He refused, and I spent nearly an hour trying to calmly explain the importance of a fresh diaper for nap time.

I tried everything, making it a positive experience, being happy, singing songs, but nothing worked. He kicked, screamed, and adamantly said “no diaper.” Then he suddenly tore off his filled diaper (just pee) and started crying because, I guess, he wanted to keep it on. I reached my breaking point when he accidentally kicked my throat during his tantrum.

In that moment, I couldn’t contain my frustration any longer. I moved to the couch, buried my face in the cushion, and let out two screams that could rival a banshee. It was not my finest moment as a parent. When I looked at my son, his face was filled with horror, and he cried even harder. I immediately regretted my outburst, embraced him tightly, and said, “Screw it, nap without a diaper.”

Looking back, I realize I should have just let him nap without a diaper, or perhaps if I had been more patient, I could have eventually persuaded him. But I was exhausted too, and the mounting frustration got the better of me. Now, I feel guilty for not being able to handle the situation better. I keep apologizing to my son, even though he seems to have moved on and is acting like nothing happened.

I’m still feeling drained and not at my best. We’re currently watching Trash Truck on Netflix as I write this, trying to find a sense of calm. I just needed to vent and express how bad I feel about losing control. I know deep down that I’m not a horrible mom, but seeing my son’s scared face during that moment breaks my heart.

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