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My Boyfriend’s Mother frantically called us at night to chase down a suspicious man, causing unnecessary anxiety.

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about a year and a half, and things have been going well until his mother started intruding into our lives. My boyfriend and his mother endured harm from her ex-husband, my boyfriend’s father, for many years, which eventually forced them to leave their city.

Now, my boyfriend is in therapy and has been for quite some time. He handles his past experiences fairly well, and I haven’t noticed any significant issues with him. However, his mother is another story, and I’ve reached a breaking point due to a few incidents that have occurred since we’ve been together. Here are a few examples:

  1. She compared my boyfriend to his father and unleashed a tirade, recounting their rough history, in an attempt to upset him. I walked in on him trying to hurt himself as a result.
  2. On multiple occasions, while my friends and I were out with my boyfriend, she frantically called us to chase down a suspicious man at 10 o’clock at night.
  3. She experiences extreme emotional ups and downs and will randomly call my boyfriend, threatening to harm herself.
  4. She repeatedly shares explicit details of her harm with me.
  5. Unfortunately, she contributes a portion of our rent, and we pay the rest since we are both full-time students. This arrangement was made a year before her true colors began to show. Whenever she has an episode, she tells my boyfriend she’s cutting us off because we’re toxic, only to deny saying such things later and then have a mental breakdown. She did this once before and recently repeated the cycle last week, and I’ve grown tired of it.
  6. When she feels lonely (as she has no friends and has severed ties with most of their family), she plays mind games with my boyfriend.

It’s disheartening because we used to be close. When I moved 800 miles away from home to attend college, she became a confidant for me during a time of need. However, after a year, her personality suddenly changed towards me without any apparent reason. I’ve discussed my concerns with my boyfriend, and he has attempted to set boundaries with his mother, but he is currently not employed, and she financially supports him while he attends school. Apart from her contribution to our rent, which is primarily for my boyfriend’s benefit (since he was working at some point), she has no direct connection to me.

I’ve pleaded with my boyfriend to find a job so that we can become financially independent and establish boundaries with his mother, but he refuses to do so. I’m starting to think that he may be too immature for a committed relationship at the moment and that he needs to resolve his issues with his mother before pursuing a serious relationship. I love my boyfriend, but the idea of marrying into this family terrifies me. I’ve never been in a relationship where family involvement has become a problem. What are your thoughts?

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