This issue has been gradually surfacing in our relationship over the past few years. Whenever my partner says she will take care of something, it often doesn’t get done, and she shifts the blame onto me, claiming that I need to remind her. To adapt, I started following up on her commitments, but even that has become problematic.
Chores are a common source of frustration. For instance, she would leave her laundry pile in the living room, and when I ask her to fold it, she dismisses it, citing her busy schedule. After a few weeks, I bring it up again, and this usually triggers an outburst from her, making me feel like I shouldn’t have any expectations or ask her to do anything. The usual outcome is either I do the chore myself to avoid further conflict or she reluctantly does it while being visibly upset.
I’ve noticed this pattern more when she’s asked to do something she perceives as being “for me.” Folding laundry or picking up medicine for me becomes a burden, and she resents it. In the case of needing medicine while I’m abroad for work, she becomes annoyed and lectures me about respecting her time, implying that I should stop asking her to do things for me.
This has deeply hurt me because I was entirely dependent on her in that situation, and I feel let down. Additionally, I’ve observed that she readily accommodates her friends’ requests without blowing up like she does with me. It seems like she goes above and beyond for them, even when setting boundaries might be more appropriate.
In my view, this behavior has only worsened over time. Now, if I follow up on something she promised to do, even after a considerable period (over a month), she immediately becomes defensive, yelling, rolling her eyes, and demanding that I drop the subject and stop “nagging” her. If I continue the conversation, she either hangs up on me or storms out of the room, slamming the door.
Am I setting unrealistic expectations by simply expecting my fiancée to follow through on her commitments? If not, how can I communicate my concerns and find a middle ground where we can both feel satisfied? I want to be able to rely on her word while also respecting her desire to avoid feeling nagged.
TL;DR: My fiancée becomes extremely angry when I follow up on tasks she said she would complete but hasn’t. This is particularly true when the task is more for my benefit. How can we reach an understanding where I can trust her to fulfill her promises while also respecting her need to avoid feeling pressured?